What use is a name, if there’s no-one to call it?

I’ve been here before, I know what to expect. The isolation. The loneliness. It’s nothing new, but that doesn’t make it any easier. They don’t know how it affects me, yet I resent them all the same. It’s not their fault, I can’t blame them for my choices no matter how much I want to, because in the end that’s exactly why I’m in this situation in the first place. My choices.

There’s a person that I confide in. I’ve spilled my darkest self out in front him and he doesn’t treat me any differently. I wonder if my other friends would be as kind and forgiving. No matter how many friends or followers I have there’s no escaping it. It’s been said you can be lonely in a room full of people, but what if there’s no room full of people? What if it’s just you, alone with your thoughts? That’s when it’s most dangerous. When there’s no-one to hear you out and your thoughts turn darker with each passing minute. You begin to question even your strongest bonds and you can’t help but ask, “why?”. Why me? What makes me so different from everyone else? Why doesn’t anyone else hurt like I do? Maybe the do hurt. Maybe they hide it just as you do, behind false smiles and a facade of contentedness.

I turn to looking at my past, searching for a reason to why this is happening. Why I have this constricting feeling of loneliness. There’s only one answer, my choices. I burn bridges before they’re even constructed and it leaves me empty. Hollow. There’s a standard which I’ve grown accustomed to. A standard that prevents people from getting close to me. I lock them out before they even get a chance to prove themselves otherwise.

So quick I am to judge others and this is what I get for doing so. I’m happy with my relationships at the moment and I’m grateful for having experienced the overwhelming sense of loneliness. I believe it enhances the mind, opens it to reality and puts things into perspective. It’s a terrible thing, but it has deepened my understanding of life and boosted my emotional intelligence. So here’s to loneliness, the isolation and the emptiness it provides.

Inspired by The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Cut Off.”

Novel

A few days ago I finally managed to read The Hobbit. It’s been on my to-do list for a few years now, but I never really got around to it. As with any good book, I’m a little disappointed that it’s over. The Hobbit’s adventurous storyline just kept me wanting more and more, but alas all good things come to an end.

Although The Hobbit is a great book, I expected to enjoy more than I did, being a fan of fantasy-adventure novels. Not to mention the movies which I thought were quite brilliant. Yet perhaps that in itself is why I found the thrill and joy of reading the book somewhat lacking. I already knew the story. Knowing what to expect took away a great deal of the suspense and excitement that I would have otherwise experienced.

Is The Hobbit my favourite book? No, but it’s definitely up there. My favourite would have to be Dune. Written by Frank Herbert and published in 1965, it’s been described as a sort of sci-fi Lord of the Rings. I’ve read Dune three times and plan to again before moving on to rest of the series.

There are a number of great quotes from Dune, so here’s one of my favourites. It’s a litany that is used at various points throughout the story by the two main characters.

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see it’s path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

A lovely little update

It’s been quite a while since I last blogged, which is both good and bad. On the positive side of things, a lot has happened in the past few months, providing me with some possible future blog posts. However, in my time away some of my followers have left me and I’m somewhat stale when it comes to writing, which is understandable considering how infrequent and unreliable I’ve become with my posting.

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